Jeni’s blog

I was hoping to do something sweet for my birthday. I don’t know why. I think maybe to just
make up for the super lack of birthday last year. I wanted to at least hang out with my close
friends. But I’m not sure what is going on. I’ve mentioned it off and on other the past month,
but really haven’t gotten much feedback from anyone. So I’ll play it by ear, I suppose. At least
I have a Saturday off. That never happens unless someone is getting married or I’m hooked up to
IVs It’ll be nice.

I’m going in tomorrow to see Matt at On The Edge to get my tattoo drawn up. I set up an
appointment for 4. And I also have a time blocked on Saturday to actually get the tattoo inked.
Very exciting!

I’ve decided that it might be kind of neat to keep track of all the books I read in 2009.
I remember when I volenteered at the library, the kids would keep track of all the books they read,
and at the end of the summer they would get rewarded. I kept track of mine to, to show that it was
easy to keep up with it. It was fun to see really how much I read. And maybe this way I can look
back on what I read to. And if anyone needs a books and doesn’t know what they would like to get
into, they could look here. Maybe not? *shrug* This is mostly for me, but that would be a cool plus.
So at the end of my posts I’ll include the name and author of the books I’ve read and maybe even a
brief synopsis.

I’m trying to figure how I can go back to school. I owe the university alone 1800 from having
to withdraw. And I supposedly can’t register for classes . I’m thinking maybe talk to them, make
sure the rule is that I have to pay it all off. If not I’ll put my tax refund towards it and register
for fall. And continue to pay on it, till it’s clear. And when I get left over money after tuition
and books put that towards it. But that will only work if I don’t have to pay off the whol 1800 right
away. I really want to go back to school. I miss it. I also literally just talked to the department
of education and my government loans are to be deferred for a whole year. So that’ll help tons. Yay!

Next up. Dinner. Burn some cds. And look online for job listings for Mr. Matt

2009 Books Read:

Twilight Series (4 books) – Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers -
For Summary, just be aware that the
Wikipedia page might include some spoilers. I started to sum up the book myself, but realized that
I, myself, am to bad at giving the good stuff away in my excitement. I really like this series alot.
More than I expected I would. I even got Matt to start reading them!

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire -
Wikipedia Summary
This book is odd. I’m not actually sure if I like it. It was suggested to me by a friend. And I got a
copy from Bookmooch a while back and it lived on my bookshelf. I grabbed it on my way out the door
to read in coat check. It’s interesting. There are parts I like, but I’m not sure if I would suggest this
book to many people.

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From now on I will strive to have nothing to say unless someone asks. What I have to say really isn’t needed. Nor do people want it. It is apparent. So when asked I’ll speak. When asked to do something, I’ll do it. But short of that there is nothing I can do right, so we’ll leave it to that.Matt doesn’t want to be around me apparently, anymore than necessary. And I’m not so convinced that anything I can do can fix that. I would like to think that I’ve done some good here and there… but apparently that isn’t true. 

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Maybe its winter, I don’t know. But I feel lonely and I feel depressed. I can’t pinpoint why. I’ve tried and come up with nothing big. I continously screw things, I do know that.

I’ve had a crappy couple of days and have felt particularly lonely and it’s made me negative. And so I upset Steve tonight when we were all hanging out. Which sucks since I’ve missed hanging out with him. For a while there I thought he was too busy with his own stuff to hang out with me. And maybe that was the case, I don’t know. But I like hanging out with him and apparently can’t get things right. I, of course, have no one to blame but myself. I’m the one who screws things up. I need to try harder. 


I’m burned out. I’m tired of work, I’m tired of never being sure of anything. I’ve been unassure of whether people want to hang around with me or not. I feel like everyone has their life and that I’m not needed in it. 

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Haven’t written in a short while. Haven’t really known what to say, I guess.Went to Wumpskate… that was cool. Stayed with Paul’s parents. They have a nice house. It was very sweet of them. We went to the Pisanello’s in Franklin. It was weird. I’ve never been to another Pisanello’s other than home base. We ended up staying an extra night. Hot tub’d it up.  It was nice having two days off in a row. It was like a vacation for me.

Back to work again though. I don’t like talking about work here, even if that is what’s on my mind, because I feel like the things I stew over from work so often aren’t helped by writing about it. Which is weird cause I somewhat feel better writing out my frustrations about most (definitely not all, since the internet is a terrible place for some of them, naturally) other things that affect my life. I just don’t know what to say about it anymore. There are things that have happened at the one job that I’m not satisfied with, but will deal with and don’t really talk about with people. But other than that things are as okie doke as can be.


 I was hoping to do something extra fun and special for my birthday to make up for the lack of birthday last year. But I’m not sure if that’s going to happen. I just don’t have the dollars and have no ideas for what to do or how to even get people together. Maybe it’ll work out though, we’ll see.


I’ve been reading Twilight. I’m on the 4th book, Breaking Dawn. I’ve been reading Beth’s (Bartender friend) copy whenever I’m working with her and she’s busy and I’m not My mom got me a copy along with the 3rd book, Eclipse. I just haven’t seen her to get it from her yet, and Beth’s been harassing me I was reading it up in coat check on Friday, and she came and checked on my progress every 45 minutes  I’m really enjoying it. Very much. I went and saw the movie. I wish  got a chance to see more movies in the theatre. I so rarely do, no one ever wants to. I miss it. I think I was spoiled by working at the Cla-Zel Anyway, the movie was kinda disappointing. It had it’s good moments, but compared to the books, it was nothing. Though nonetheless, whenever the next movies come out I’m sure I’ll be there (alone or dragging some with me again) to see it.  

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I got a good portion of my Christmas shopping done… Yay! Just a couple more things I need to get from different places. It’s going to be a small Christmas as far as things from me go… but it’s best I can do. But I’ll try to make it good nonetheless.




I was hoping for kidnapping my friends and doing the Lights before Christmas at the zoo thing. Maybe Matt, Paul, Kat and Steve… because I got a bunch of free tickets from mom, but my schedule says no. *Sigh* It would have been nice to get out and do something like that.





Steve and I had a Photoshop lesson… It was very good. I learned alot. I doubt I’ll become an almighty Photoshop wizard like Steve anytime soon… but maybe some day with practice I’m having a hard time hunting down my copy of Photoshop… though as I was typing that I realized that it might be at work… Hadn’t thought of that… And I’ve been looking for a couple days now How smart am I? Hopefully I’ll get in installed over the weekend and start using the lovely information I have in wonderful wonderful ways! Steve really is the best instructor for things like that.





It’s weird, I was thinking about this… but I don’t really know why I care as much as I do. I noticed a friend or two that used to have me in their top 2 to 3 on Myspace that I’m now lower than that. Makes me wonder if I’ve done something… or I’m all the sudden not quite as good as I was? I’m being silly… but it’s the silly things like that that I think of sometimes. It means something to me, but yet in doesn’t… it doesn’t make sense when I write and read that… but in my head it does…

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I’m starting to realize that I am possibly inable to make anyone happy. I can be happy. I know that. But I can’t make anyone else happy. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Sometimes I understand, sometimes I don’t. I am amazingly good at embarassing myself and I’m amazingly good upsetting people. The worse part is is that I always manage to upset the people who aren’t willing to talk about these things to me. I’m a complete failure. I can do very few things right.

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We drew the order of the every weeks third dj. It goes Miss Kat, Matt, Paul, and then I. So in lieu of that I’m downloading and burning bunches of music. Yay!

Work was pretty boring. Watched some Bones and played around on the net. Came home and chilled a for a while and watched Matt play FFVII, then went out and got Taco Bell with Paul and Matt.

Now we are back at the apartment watching Mr and Mrs Smith. I like that movie. It’s cute and quirky and full of action.

So all in all it’s been a low key day. Not bad, not good. I’m definitely looking forward to some dancing tomorrow though!

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Well, apparently I don’t do anything for the Chaos Unit. Apparently. That’s just fabulous, isn’t it? Of course, the people who say this are the same people who think they are do it all.I’m tried of the talking behind my back. Are we 5 years old?Whenever I’ve done something what ever it is, it’s been conveniently forgotten or not noticed. Amazing. Luckily there are some that recognize what I do. And those are the people who deserve hugs and are really there for me.In other worlds, I’m sick. But I also really need to work on my djing. So I’m out. But whenever we are done, I’m heading towards food and relaxing   

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Longest title ever.


Today was a long day. But essentially better than yesterday. I have a very crappy migraine right now. It started while I was djing at the radio station. Speaking of which… I did an awful job at the djing tonight. I was terribly terribly distracted and not concentrating. I’m hoping to work on it on Monday. I’m actually looking forward to it.


I think that some very positive changes are in progress with Rewired. I don’t really want to get into how that came about essentially… since it’ll make me more negative and annoyed to think upon it, we’ll just leave it at that. But I have a couple of ideas for things I would like to do as part of the Chaos Unit. Very fun. Mostly decor stuff and goodness like that.

I’ve been reading “The Host” by Stephanie Meyers lately. I’m’ not very far into it, but it’s interesting. For some reason it reminds me of “The Giver” by Lois Lowry. At least the memories part. Hmmm… I’m not even sure if that makes sense… I’m tired

There are a number of things I need to work on with myself. I need to implement more patience and calm down my negativity and frustration. I’ve not been very good at that lately. And that’s just been making me more frustrated, only at myself.

I’m half way through my work weekend. I’m very much looking forward to Monday already. Though really I don’t mind Sundays working at the bar. I usually get stuff down on the computer that I had been wanting to do throughout the weekend. Or I get to spend time just fucking around. It’s kind of nice. Though I need to remember that I need to work with Matt on his resume on Sunday, so he’ll have it for Monday. He asked me to help with it. Which I’m happy to help with. Hmmm… I should give Mom a call and see if Dad’s needs updated too. I think I did his a couple of months ago, and I think it might need to be fixed up.

Paul mentioned maybe doing the Wumpskate thing in December. I guess there’s one starting up in Dayton near his home on the 29th. It would be awesome to get a chance to go to it. When I first heard of Wumpskate it was in Gothic Beauty and I was disappointed that it was all the way in LA. But now there’s going to be one closer! Sweetness! We’ll see if we can work out plans. Certainly is cheaper than the Goth Cruise.

My next project I think is to fix up my white dress from my sister’s wedding for the Rewired White Out party. I need to goth it up a bit. I’m thinking of replacing the dirty yellow on it with red or most likely black. It’s a white eyelet summer dress with yellow mesh crap at the bottom. It’s actually kinda cute, except for the fact that it’s white and yellow I think that it needs to be shorter too. I’ll figure something out

I like my new skin for this blog, except for the smileys. I think they look out of place…



It’s definitely sleepy time. Goodnight world. Sweet Dreams.

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I wish I was indifferent to things. I wish I didn’t care so much about how people feel about me, or treat me. I wish I didn’t care about mattering to others so much. I’ve tried to take the carefree I don’t care what people think of me line of thought. I don’t think I can do it. It’s just not who I am. I don’t want people to dislike me. Or be annoyed, frustrated, or any of that. I want people to like me. I’m rambling. *sigh*I had an awful day today. Just lots and lots of tiny things that upset me building up. And nothing bright and good to shine a light in to the pit that was today.  On top of that, I just make it worse by making someone frustrated, because I’m frustrated. The sum of that is that I suck. I’m sorry. When I realized today that my day was crappy, I just wanted to be around friends and maybe not think about it. I should have just gone home and dealt with myself, instead of just being a jerk.Unrelated:I’m not sure what made me think of this… Someone told me (and has a couple times)… that I’m not like those beautiful girls that everyone wants.  I’ve been thinking about that statement. I know it’s true. But it was just surprising that they would put it into words. I really do believe in honesty. But I also feel like that statement is terribly unhelpful. I know what I’m not. I’m reminded everyday. I know that I will be and have been disregarded, or dismissed for girls that are gorgeous and/or skinner. It just hurt to hear the words out loud, I guess. And I don’t understand why it hurts to hear it when I know it already and have. I need new pants, I lost some weight and they won’t stay up. Better yet, maybe more skirts. Either way I’m in terrible need of new bottoms. I also need some other things like bras and whatnot. I haven’t bought anything like that in a long while and what I do have is slowing commiting suicide. *sigh* I don’t see myself coming up with the money to cover this stuff. Oh well. I’ll at least compromise with myself and ogle the clothing I need online and daydream about it  I miss school… I swear to god…  ten years ago I would have been kicking myself for even thinking that.

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