December 5th, 2008
Today I feel like a Failure… tomorrow? Who knows.
I wish I was indifferent to things. I wish I didn’t care so much about how people feel about me, or treat me. I wish I didn’t care about mattering to others so much. I’ve tried to take the carefree I don’t care what people think of me line of thought. I don’t think I can do it. It’s just not who I am. I don’t want people to dislike me. Or be annoyed, frustrated, or any of that. I want people to like me. I’m rambling. *sigh*I had an awful day today. Just lots and lots of tiny things that upset me building up. And nothing bright and good to shine a light in to the pit that was today. On top of that, I just make it worse by making someone frustrated, because I’m frustrated. The sum of that is that I suck. I’m sorry. When I realized today that my day was crappy, I just wanted to be around friends and maybe not think about it. I should have just gone home and dealt with myself, instead of just being a jerk.Unrelated:I’m not sure what made me think of this… Someone told me (and has a couple times)… that I’m not like those beautiful girls that everyone wants. I’ve been thinking about that statement. I know it’s true. But it was just surprising that they would put it into words. I really do believe in honesty. But I also feel like that statement is terribly unhelpful. I know what I’m not. I’m reminded everyday. I know that I will be and have been disregarded, or dismissed for girls that are gorgeous and/or skinner. It just hurt to hear the words out loud, I guess. And I don’t understand why it hurts to hear it when I know it already and have. I need new pants, I lost some weight and they won’t stay up. Better yet, maybe more skirts. Either way I’m in terrible need of new bottoms. I also need some other things like bras and whatnot. I haven’t bought anything like that in a long while and what I do have is slowing commiting suicide. *sigh* I don’t see myself coming up with the money to cover this stuff. Oh well. I’ll at least compromise with myself and ogle the clothing I need online and daydream about it 
I miss school… I swear to god… ten years ago I would have been kicking myself for even thinking that.