July 12th, 2008
I feel like a horrible human being.
I’m sorry that I am apparently shitty and snotty. I was told by my roommate that I was. So I’m sorry to the few people that read this if I am. I certainly don’t intend to be.
I feel unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I’m not good enough. Not worth it. I’ve felt this way for a long while now. But I don’t expect much anymore. When I do I feel even more disappointed that I’m not included or have been dropped for someone else. But when I am appreciated, or when someone does something that shows that they care, it means the world to me. It really does. But the feeling of not being good enough looms over me, no matter how much I try to push past it. One of the biggest things I feel about the Steve and I thing is that I feel like I just wasn’t good enough. Whether it is true or not. That’s just how have and do felt/feel. That feeling is made up by the fact that Steve and I have been getting along well lately and I’m very very grateful/appreciative for that. But I do feel that way, and that’s why I get sad sometimes. All I can do I can do is concentrate on the good I suppose.
The only thing I can ever do is hope that when I’ve something that upsets someone, that they will tell me. And that I will b given a chance to be better about it or fix it. That is all I can hope for.
There are a couple of things that have been bothering me lately. But that I have recently decided that I just need to deal with by myself and get over. There have been very few times in my life that I have been able to have something of my own that I have done that I can be proud of. I suppose I have clung to my research into the Industrial music world and whatnot, because I always felt special that I had that and that people could come to me and ask me, and I would be there with the knowledge or eager to find out for them. So yes, I’m jealous that someone else is trying to do that. Because that was my one thing. Something I was proud of. I know I’m wrong for feeling jealous over this. Hence the reason I’ve decided to just keep it to myself.
There are other things that I feel the same way about. But I’m tired and upset and don’t think I can do this anymore right now.
All I can say is that I’m sorry.