November 29th, 2007
Getting Nowhere
I want to be happy. I’m just not able to be happy the way I want to be. I wish I wasn’t helpless.
I made a decision. I wasn’t going to post it, but I’m nervous and scared. So, maybe I’ll be able to calm down and just do it if I get it out. I highly doubt Steve reads this anyway. Something Steve said to me earlier triggered something in my mind. I’ve decided to get my drivers license. I talked to Brian (my roommate) and I’m getting a car from his parents. I figure that the insurance will be manageable and worth it, and I can pay for the title transfer with the money my mom says she is saving for my next car, that she got from my last car.
I’m doing this for me. And I’m doing this for someone else. I never knew it meant that much to that person. And now that I know… I want to do it. Maybe it won’t mean anything to that person anymore, but I know it did before. So I’m going to suck it up. I need to do it.
Have you ever wanted something so bad, and you can’t have it, because of one reason or another… and it makes you feel ill? That’s how I feel right now. I’ve pretty much felt that way on and off for the past couple of months. But last night made it even worse. Last night was lovely. But it made wish even more for things apparently I can’t have.