Jeni’s blog

For a little while now I’ve been dealing with doubts and worries. It’s been kinda eating away at me. The worst part is that these things probably shouldn’t even matter to me.

I wish it didn’t matter so much to what people think of me or say about it me. But it hurts that people I think are my friends talk behind my back. It hurts that I don’t feel like sometimes I don’t know if I an trust people with the things I say to them. I’m tired of things I do being misconstrued.

People think I’m still hung up on Steve. Steve is the best friend I have. I enjoy spending time with him. I have a lot of very good memories. Just because I want to be his friend doesn’t mean I want to jump in his pants. I am with Matt and I’m happy with Matt. I wish I understood what was so wrong with being friends with Steve and why it HAS to mean something else to some people.

I just want to know I have friends that care. I want to know I mean something. Because I care about my friends. Sometimes they are everything to me. I don’t want to wonder if they really are my friends or are just kinda. I want to be liked for me.

The fact that my brother may be shipped to god only knows where before the end of the year is up is beginning to sink in further ad further. And it scares the crap out of me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept it and hope for the best for him.

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I’m getting kinda excited about putting Alice together. But I kinda feel like no one is ready to jump in with ideas. Kinda sucks. But I’m sure if I ask people to do something they probably will.

Been working alot. I was really hoping I’d get to do something fun this summer like Cedar Point or well really anything. But I don’t see it happening. I’ve been asked by a few people if I wanted to go with them. But each time has been not long before they go and too short of notice for me to get off work. Suck.


It’s surprising how much your day can suck and then someone says something simple like “You look nice today” and it just brightens the day. Today someone at work said that and it made me happy.


Living situation stuff has been awful for Matt and I. He is living over at Sabrina’s. And because he is, I rarely get to see him. And I know part of it is to see his son more regularly… but I just honestly feel forgotten some of the time. But at the same time, he can’t live with me, because he can’t pay rent. C’est la vie, I suppose.


Work has been stupid at Piso’s. Sometimes I feel like it’s “be shitty to Jeni” day everyday. When I’m sick and having a bad day, instead of being nice or something, we apparently have to make it as bad as it can possibly be. I really try to be considerate when someone else is having a shitty day or is ill. I do. Really in the end I guess I’m at least asking to just be left alone. Let me be ill in silence. Let me stew in my bad dayness in silence.


I’ve been trying to read more. Here and there. Makes me feel better. And since my desktop is currently dead, and I don’t always have a working laptop power cord…. reading has become my best friend again

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My desktop isn’t hooked up right now. I’ve really only been using my laptop… which is difficult cause I don’t have the dollars to pay for the shipping for the broken power cord to be returned. But I’ll figure it out. Matt has been nice enough to loan me his power cord a lot lately.

Everything has been really tough since Matt took this new job. I’m happy for him, I am. It’s just been hard cause I feel like I’m forgotten. We rarely see each other anymore. The only time we really talk is if I make the move to contact him. I’m hoping that it’ll all get better.


I feel like I’m working non-stop and not getting anywhere money wise. I’m not sure how I can find a place to live for August with the lack of money I have more deposit. I’m sure it’ll work out in the end. But it’s still freaking me out. It’s one of the many things that has been contributing to my anxiousness. And the lack of ability to get to sleep. I just lay awake and have a little anxiety attack and freak myself out. It’s not just the living situation thing. It’s lots of little things, clumped up.


I’ve been playing FF10 since I can’t sleep most of the time. Butcher thinks that sitting in front of my face helps me see better… silly kitty.

I’ve also been reading alot more. I bought these two really old books from the 1800’s at grounds a while back. And I showed them to Dave the retired postman who does the antiques and auctions thing alot… and he said they might actually be worth something. Part of me doesn’t like the idea of selling them cause I love old books and got them to add to my collection. But at the same time I could use the money.

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I hate certain things about myself. 
For some reason my brain, whenever someone sounds sad around me… I feel like I must be at fault. That I need to fix it. That I’ve failed in someway.  Even if it’s not logical. And that when that person says it’s nothing, but still sounds sad… that I’ve done something even worse. I KNOW I’m not the easiest person to talk to, but I’m trying to be better about that. With my friends and my relationship with Matt. It just makes me so sad to feel like maybe I’ve done something to upset someone I’m friends with or love, but not have any idea how I did it. It’s logical, cause I know that a lot of the time it might not be my fault… But that just makes me feel like I’ve failed as a friend if the person can’t talk about it with me. I just have a habit of beating myself up about it. Like that’s gonna help this. And then I end up with an anxiety attack of sorts. I worry and worry and worry about being a constant screw up.

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I had a fun evening. I think djing went well. Enjoyed myself while doing so. Danced some. Also good. Had subway. Healthy… Good. Hung out with Steve and Kat… also fun. Now I’m waiting for my Matty to get here! Yay Matty!

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So here’s the most random conversation I’ve ever had with a complete stranger… At least I’m assuming I don’t know this person. I don’t know the username certainly… But I wouldn’t put it past half the weird people I know to do this… Any ideas???

04:19] upendedsalmon: Let’s play Desert Bus together!
[04:19] ambika53: that’s pretty random
[04:20] upendedsalmon: what’s pretty random?
[04:20] ambika53: the random mesage from the person i don’t know, asking to play a game i’ve never heard of… it is a game right?
[04:21] upendedsalmon: which game?
[04:21] ambika53: desert bus?
[04:21] ambika53: i don’t know what that is
[04:21] upendedsalmon: me either
[04:21] ambika53: then why did you suggest to play it?
[04:22] upendedsalmon: i thought we could spend some quality time together
[04:23] ambika53: interesting thought. since we don’t knwo each other… when did you get that idea?
[04:23] upendedsalmon: well it’s better than abusing alcohol isn’t it?
[04:25] ambika53: i suppose. but there are a lot of better things to do than abuse alcohol. like read a book, or watch a movie, or sleep for instance. it IS 4:24
[04:25] upendedsalmon: i never watch movies at 4:24.
[04:25] upendedsalmon: as a rule.
[04:26] ambika53: i suppose that makes sense. But what about reading. a good book at 4:24.. can’t go wrong with that
[04:27] upendedsalmon: you can go wrong with some books
[04:27] ambika53: and how do i know you aren’t abusing the alcohol while talking to me
[04:27] ambika53: i suppose. but hopefully if it’s a bad book you wouldn’t read it
[04:28] upendedsalmon: you just….have to trust me…
[04:28] ambika53: how do i know i can trust a upended salmon?
[04:28] ambika53: especially an upended on?
[04:28] ambika53: *one
[04:28] upendedsalmon: exactly. what if you are surrounded by towers of only bad books?
[04:29] upendedsalmon: salmon are a noble species.
[04:29] upendedsalmon: they go against the GRAIN, man
[04:29] ambika53: indeed… but why did it get upended
[04:29] upendedsalmon: except the grain is a current
[04:29] upendedsalmon: and the current is of water.
[04:29] ambika53: and couldn’t you just rebel and knock the bad books away?
[04:30] upendedsalmon: if you want to be crushed by falling avalanches of books, sure.
[04:31] ambika53: but wouldn’t a death of books be better than a lot of over ways you could die?
[04:31] upendedsalmon: crushed little fish bones, scales all pressed between the pages
[04:31] ambika53: morbid, but could make some interesting art
[04:31] upendedsalmon: books would go to waste because no one would want to read a fishy book.
[04:32] ambika53: some might. someone who doesn’t get many books.
[04:32] upendedsalmon: they’d just get burned and thrown into the trash bags behind the library
[04:32] upendedsalmon: like poor people.
[04:33] upendedsalmon: they would just eat the books.
[04:33] ambika53: but there are so many people who would save the fishy books that i know. people that don’t see the fish
[04:33] ambika53: well then they are getting something good out of them
[04:33] ambika53: lots of fishy fiber
[04:33] upendedsalmon: but then they get all poisoned by the book bindings
[04:34] ambika53: not the book bindings of today
[04:34] upendedsalmon: do you know a lot of poor people, billy?
[04:34] ambika53: they may be poor but they have common sense
[04:34] ambika53: the middle of the book would be delicious
[04:34] upendedsalmon: i do not know many poor people.
[04:35] ambika53: not many poor people who would eat books, no
[04:35] ambika53: do you eat books?
[04:35] upendedsalmon: is the middle of the book where all the juices are stored?
[04:35] upendedsalmon: no, or they would fall on me.
[04:35] upendedsalmon: use your reasoning, billy!
[04:35] ambika53: possibly. do you prefer the middle of the book?
[04:36] upendedsalmon: you are the one who said the middle would be delicious
[04:37] upendedsalmon: billy, are you playing mind games with me.
[04:37] ambika53: well, it would be more delicious than a outside that woul dpoison you
[04:37] upendedsalmon: that’s true
[04:38] upendedsalmon: do you know any good bands billy?
[04:38] ambika53: i do, sally
[04:38] ambika53: yourself?
[04:39] upendedsalmon: i know some bands
[04:39] upendedsalmon: why did you call me sally LOL
[04:39] ambika53: why did you call me billy?
[04:39] upendedsalmon: you called yourself billy, billy.
[04:40] ambika53: honestly sally, i don’t recall ever doing that
[04:40] upendedsalmon: oh my goodness
[04:40] upendedsalmon: maybe my plan didn’t work. maybe i accidentally did abuse alcohol :[
[04:41] ambika53: well that would be concerning if that was true and you don’t remember
[04:41] upendedsalmon: yeah it would
[04:41] upendedsalmon: it’s just so hard to concentrate with all these books stacked around me
[04:42] ambika53: eat the middles and then knock them down
[04:42] upendedsalmon: maybe it would be safer to climb over them
[04:43] upendedsalmon: then i would be on top of them and they couldn’t fall on me because i would be above them
[04:43] ambika53: true, but that doesn’t mean you won’t fall in the climbing process and break a bone or eight
[04:43] ambika53: then what would you do
[04:43] upendedsalmon: i’m a pretty good climber though
[04:44] ambika53: in tower of books with broken limbs
[04:44] upendedsalmon: but i guess what i would do is make myself a bandage with some of the pages
[04:44] ambika53: have you ever climbed a tower of books though sally?
[04:44] ambika53: but they are all fishy i thought!
[04:44] ambika53: infection infection infection
[04:44] upendedsalmon: oh no you’re right i forgot
[04:45] upendedsalmon: i guess i’m stuck
[04:45] ambika53: and really who knows what is on the other side of that tower
[04:45] upendedsalmon: wait wait wait maybe if i started eating them, but started at the TOP of the stack so they wouldn’t fall on me
[04:45] ambika53: really in a world of fishy book towers you have to be careful
[04:45] upendedsalmon: that’s true. i have worried about that a little
[04:46] ambika53: but how are you going to get to the top without climbing and possibly obtaining fishy iinfection breakage
[04:46] upendedsalmon: yeah. i guess i could try standing up and see how tall the tower is
[04:46] ambika53: true true
[04:47] upendedsalmon: i’m not sure if i can reach the top books or not
[04:47] ambika53: honestly a fishy book tower with internet might not be the worse thing in the world.
[04:47] upendedsalmon: and i am getting pretty hungry
[04:47] ambika53: eat a book here and there
[04:48] ambika53: though i would recommend rationing…
[04:48] upendedsalmon: ok. i’ll just be careful about which books i choose.
[04:48] upendedsalmon: not get any of the ones that are vital to the structure of the tower
[04:48] ambika53: good plan… is the great gatsby in there? that’s a terrible book.. eat that one first if you see it
[04:49] upendedsalmon: i don’t see it.
[04:49] ambika53: okay…
[04:49] ambika53: how can it be a tower of bad books with out the great gatesby though…
[04:49] upendedsalmon: i see catcher in the rye and several dictionaries. and something in russian i think
[04:50] upendedsalmon: maybe it’s behind me
[04:50] ambika53: who constructed this thing… they have it all wrong…
[04:50] upendedsalmon: ok i found it i think
[04:50] upendedsalmon: but it’s a little dark
[04:50] ambika53: remind me to stock my tower of fishy bad books of different stuff
[04:51] upendedsalmon: hard to read
[04:51] ambika53: i thought you were eating it… not reading it…
[04:51] upendedsalmon: ok i will remind you.
[04:51] upendedsalmon: it’s hard to read the title
[04:51] upendedsalmon: but i think it is the great gatsby
[04:51] upendedsalmon: start in the middle right
[04:52] ambika53: oh… well does it look like a boring book your english teacher would assign?
[04:52] ambika53: if so… that’s it
[04:52] upendedsalmon: oh probably
[04:52] upendedsalmon: should i only eat half of it?
[04:52] ambika53: munch away… dont’ forget to not eat the cover
[04:52] ambika53: cover = bad…
[04:52] upendedsalmon: or a third or a sixteenth or something
[04:53] upendedsalmon: don’t eat the cover
[04:53] ambika53: yep… no cover…
[04:53] ambika53: the whole book is bad… have a taste of it all
[04:53] upendedsalmon: ok. oh righ because i can make a blanket out of the covers later thank you billy
[04:53] upendedsalmon: it tastes fishy
[04:53] ambika53: no problem sally
[04:54] upendedsalmon: oh man i just remembered i hate fish taste
[04:54] ambika53: better than ratty… since it was covered in fish…
[04:54] ambika53: do you hate being hungry more?
[04:54] upendedsalmon: oh i bet
[04:54] upendedsalmon: probably…
[04:55] upendedsalmon: i just wish they would come back for me.
[04:55] upendedsalmon: i didn’t think they would take so long
[04:55] ambika53: well when they arrive i would recommend shaking them a good bit, sally
[04:56] upendedsalmon: what if that knocked over the books though?
[04:56] upendedsalmon: we could all be crushed…and then the whole thing would have been for nothing
[04:56] ambika53: well how are you planning on them getting back in
[04:57] ambika53: or for that matter how did they get out…
[04:57] upendedsalmon: oh no
[04:57] upendedsalmon: you don’t think this is on purpose do you?
[04:57] upendedsalmon: i don’t remember. i was asleep.
[04:57] upendedsalmon: do you think they set me up, billy?
[04:57] ambika53: possibly sally possibly…
[04:58] upendedsalmon: i’m getting scared
[04:58] ambika53: now they deserve an extra good shake
[04:58] upendedsalmon: i shouldn’t have fallen asleep
[04:58] upendedsalmon: maybe that was when i accidentally abused alcohol..
[04:58] ambika53: well a fishy tower of bad books IS kinda boring
[05:00] upendedsalmon: yes..
[05:00] upendedsalmon: but i was doing my duty. but i was betrayed…
[05:00] upendedsalmon: maybe i shall shake them
[05:00] upendedsalmon: if they come back…
[05:00] ambika53: i would recommend it
[05:01] upendedsalmon: billy, i wish i knew what was going on
[05:02] ambika53: askjeeves?

There was more… *shrug* So strange… I wonder who they are…

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I said I would keep track of the books I read… and I’ve failed already So update for that:“Dissolution” by C.J. Sansom – This book was one I got a while back and forgot about entirely… it just lived on my bookcase all lonely… so I grabbed it for coat check on Friday. It was better than I expected. The author did a lot of research for the time period. The historical aspect of it really interested me. Insteresting concept for a book.Currently reading: “Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Brontë – Steve got me a copy of this a while back. I’ve always enjoyed, so I’m rereading it.

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I really do love stuff. Which is one more reason I love the internet. And for my own benefit (And yours in case you love this stuff too!) I’ll post stuff I like. There’s no rhyme or reason. Some of it is that tacky greatness I love. Some of it just rocks. These aren’t things I’m going to buy, or at least anytime in the near future. Just Stuff!

Hedgehogs! This is kinda hideous, I have to admit I kinda like it

DJ Knife neeeeds this

Now I would buy these

Well, there we are… that was some of the stuff I’ve run across lately. Some of it is pretty random. Some… not so much. Some of these things might very well be on my save up for list! Thank you piggy bank for tips This list doesn’t even touch on half of the stuff I think is cute and fabulous and great in the world. But it entertains me clearly

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Everyone frowns around me. Even myself. Some can’t even muster up a smile in photos with me. I don’t do things right. Lots to think about. I want to write it out. But I’m not even sure how. All I know is, is that everyone frowns around me. And that I need to work this out. I need to try. I just don’t know where to start. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like I’m not good enough. 

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I was hoping to do something sweet for my birthday. I don’t know why. I think maybe to just
make up for the super lack of birthday last year. I wanted to at least hang out with my close
friends. But I’m not sure what is going on. I’ve mentioned it off and on other the past month,
but really haven’t gotten much feedback from anyone. So I’ll play it by ear, I suppose. At least
I have a Saturday off. That never happens unless someone is getting married or I’m hooked up to
IVs It’ll be nice.

I’m going in tomorrow to see Matt at On The Edge to get my tattoo drawn up. I set up an
appointment for 4. And I also have a time blocked on Saturday to actually get the tattoo inked.
Very exciting!

I’ve decided that it might be kind of neat to keep track of all the books I read in 2009.
I remember when I volenteered at the library, the kids would keep track of all the books they read,
and at the end of the summer they would get rewarded. I kept track of mine to, to show that it was
easy to keep up with it. It was fun to see really how much I read. And maybe this way I can look
back on what I read to. And if anyone needs a books and doesn’t know what they would like to get
into, they could look here. Maybe not? *shrug* This is mostly for me, but that would be a cool plus.
So at the end of my posts I’ll include the name and author of the books I’ve read and maybe even a
brief synopsis.

I’m trying to figure how I can go back to school. I owe the university alone 1800 from having
to withdraw. And I supposedly can’t register for classes . I’m thinking maybe talk to them, make
sure the rule is that I have to pay it all off. If not I’ll put my tax refund towards it and register
for fall. And continue to pay on it, till it’s clear. And when I get left over money after tuition
and books put that towards it. But that will only work if I don’t have to pay off the whol 1800 right
away. I really want to go back to school. I miss it. I also literally just talked to the department
of education and my government loans are to be deferred for a whole year. So that’ll help tons. Yay!

Next up. Dinner. Burn some cds. And look online for job listings for Mr. Matt

2009 Books Read:

Twilight Series (4 books) – Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers -
For Summary, just be aware that the
Wikipedia page might include some spoilers. I started to sum up the book myself, but realized that
I, myself, am to bad at giving the good stuff away in my excitement. I really like this series alot.
More than I expected I would. I even got Matt to start reading them!

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire -
Wikipedia Summary
This book is odd. I’m not actually sure if I like it. It was suggested to me by a friend. And I got a
copy from Bookmooch a while back and it lived on my bookshelf. I grabbed it on my way out the door
to read in coat check. It’s interesting. There are parts I like, but I’m not sure if I would suggest this
book to many people.

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