Jeni’s blog

Have you had alcohol this week?
I think so

Could you cry right now?
Nope, not now

Are you a jealous person?
Not generally, but I have my moments

What were you doing this morning at 8?
Sleeping

What are you listening to?
Wolfsheim

Is there anything that you are craving right now?
Chai

Have you ever peed in the woods?
Once, forever ago

Where have you lived throughout your life?
Perrsyburg, Portage, and Bowling Green, Ohio

Is there anything silver near you?
Yeppers

What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
Reading, I think

Do you wear contacts?
No

When was the last time you drove more than 30 minutes?
I don’t drive.

Whos house were you at last?
Mom’s

What color shirt were you wearing when your last kiss took place?
Black shirt with butterflys on it

What were you doing an hour ago?
Russian with Em

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else?
Yep

Next vacation you’re going on?
Ha

Do you like to text or call more?
Txt

What’s the closest blue object to you?
Book

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your bf/gf?
No

What would you do if you seen your boyfriend kissing someone else?
Be sad

Do you like the color orange?
Not particularly

What is the weather like today?
Beautiful

Are you a Gatorade drinker?
No

You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
No

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
I’m a huge fan of Thunderstorms

Do you turn on the lamp when it’s bright out?
Nope

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night

Who’s bed did you last sleep in?
My own

Do you say sexy a lot?
Nope

What was the last thing you bought?
Iced Pooh Bear and a book from Grounds

What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
Big Lebowski? I haven’t really watched any new movies recently

Do you have strange dreams?
I rarely remember my dreams

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes and No

How long until your birthday?
Little more than 5 months I think

Do you own a digital camera?
Yes

How old is the cellphone you have right now?
I can’t remember… probably about a year?

Do you know anyone named Tyler?
Yes

Can you do a handstand?
Nope… but I have cartwheels down

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?
None

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Kinda

Would you make a good parent?
Yes

What are your plans for the weekend?
Ha… This weekend is weekend will be BSAF, sooo I be at working

Last place you hugged someone?
Butcher Baby

Do you have a ‘Matt’ in your phone book?
I hope so

Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Curl

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Em-monster

Do you currently have a hickey?
No

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Butcher

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Plenty of times

Who did you last go out to eat with?
Mom

Is the sun shining?
Nope

Are you happy with life right now?
Honestly, right now, no

What jewelery are you currently wearing?
None, the chain broke on my favorite necklace

What were you doing at 10pm Friday night?
Getting off work

Plans for today?
Read, work

Have you ever played hard to get?
I don’t think so, if I have I didn’t intend to…

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I don’t think so

Do you wish someone would call you right now?
Who doesn’t like to talk to friends?! Sure

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
I have to talk to that lawyer lady about my court crap today

Do you watch a lot of tv?
Not much anymore. Sometimes I watch Bones online

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Yes

Do you drink tea?
Yes

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have?
Plenty

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
Matt

Do you trust all of your friends?
Yes

Have you shaved your legs in the past 3 days?
Even in the last 3 hours.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Stared at the cat who was something like 3 inches from my face

Are you different now than you were six months ago?
Probably

Do you cry easily?
Yes

If you were given $100, would you spend it, or save it ?
Spend 10 and save 90.

If there was a spider in your room, would you leave?
Is it a scary spider. Cause it was a scary spider I’d kill it or make the cat kill it, if not… I’d probably talk to it and then leave the rest up to the cat

If you could change your eye color would you?
No

Marriage?
Is something I would like someday

How much have you changed in 8 years?

Body: Eight years ago ( from today ) in 2000, how much have you changed?

1) How old were you?
17

2) Where did you go to school?
Bowling Green High School

3) Where did you work?
Pisanello’s, Cla-Zel, and Grounds for Thought

4) Where did you live?
With my parents in Bowling Green, Ohio

5) Where did you hang out?
Steve’s parents, Corner Grill, Cla-Zel

6) Did you wear contacts?
Nope

7) Who was your best friend?
Probably Steve or Adriane

Any tattoos?
Nop

9) How many piercings did you have?
2

10) Did you drive a car?
Nope

11) Had you been to a real party?
Yep

12) Had you had your heart broken?
Nope

13) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorce?
Dated someone for a short time, but I think I was mostly single during the age of 17

14) Any Kids?
Dear god, No

***4 years ago/2004***

1) How old were you?
21

2) Where did you go to school?
Nope

3) Where did u work?
The Archive Company, I believe

4) Where did you live?
Downtown Apt in BG

5)Where did you hang out?
My house, Steve’s parents
6) Did you wear glasses?
Bifocals

7) Who were your best friend(s)?
Steve

How many tattoos did you have?
1

9) How many piercings did you have?
3

10) What car did you drive?
Nope

11) Had your heart broken?
Nope

12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?
Taken

13) Any Kids?
Nope!
—————————————————————————————–
Today/2008
——————————————————————————————-

1) How old are you?
25

2) Where do you work?
Pisanello’s

3) Where do you live?
Apt on the edge of the college ghetto

4) Do you wear glasses?
Supposed to… but they ran away months ago… and apparently they want money for new ones…

5) Who is/are your closest friend(s)?
Em, Thanatos, Matt, and Paul

6) Do you talk to your old friends?
Sometimes

7) How many piercings do you have?
7
How many tattoos do you have?
3

9) What kind of car do you have?
Still, Nope

10) Has your heart been broken?
Yep

11) Single/taken/married/divorced?
Taken

12) Any Children?
Nope!

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Ohhh… what backseat… Did someone get me a car?!

2. When was the last time you threw up?
I can’t remember

3. What’s your favorite curse word?
Bastard! … Is that really a curse word though?

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
1. Matt
2. Zac
3. Butcher

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
sSleepytime!

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Feeling triumphant over the cleaning I did while taking a lovely shower

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yep

9.What is the last thing you said aloud?
Butcher! (In a “What the hell are you doing?!” kind of tone)

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Mint Chocolate Chip

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water

12.what are you wearing right now?
Black shorts and a tank top with Snoopy on it… How goth am I?!

13. What was the last thing you ate?
Pomegranate Blueberry Sherbet

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Hmm… No… but I found a awesome dress I want on Lip Services’ website

15. When was the last time you ran?
Meh

16. What was the last sporting event you watched?
Curling, I think… And only cause I work at a sports bar

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
Don’t Remember… maybe Craig

19. Ever go camping?
I love camping!

20. Do you have a tan?
Weird enough yeah… but really only on my arms from riding my bike and walking everywhere… My legs for the most part are still pasty.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Lately no

25. What did your last text message say?
I can’t remember

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working

28. Where is your mom right now?
Sleeping probably

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
Nightstand, Lamp, Bottle of Water, Gothic Beauty magazine and a stuffed animal my dad gave me when I was in the hospital

30. What color is your watch?
I have a couple that I never wear… one Hello Kitty watch, a blue one with pretty flowers, and one that used to be Steve’s grandmother’s that his mom gave me (The band needs to be replaced and I’m afraid of jewerly stores… so many pretty shiny things)

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Douglas Adams

32. Ever ridden a roller coaster?
Yeppers… much fun

33. What is your birthstone?
Garnet

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Depends

35. What is your favorite number?
5

36. Do you have a dog?
I wish

37. Last person you talked on the phone with?
Mom

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Is Ronan Harris or Tom Shear famous… cause they are to me…and I met them…oh, and David Copperfield

39. Any plans today?
Work, maybe some reading, maybe some World of Warcraft

42. Where are you right now?
At my desk in my bedroom

44. Last song listened to?
Schiller feat. Heppner “Dream of You”

45. Where are you going on your next vacation?
I doubt I’ll get to… but I would like to go to Vancouver to see Craig, or Fayetteville, North Carolina to see my sister… and if I was really extravagant on this make believe vacation…. Ireland. Or on the Goth Cruise

46. Are you allergic to anything?
Antibiotics, Percocet

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Purple tennis shoes

49. Are you jealous of anyone?
Nope

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
I don’t think so

51. Do you love anyone?
Course

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yep

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Work, Read, Sleep, Computer

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Nope

56. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?
Yeppers

57. Does your phone have a camera?
Yep

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Nope

60. How did you get one of your scars?
When I was 6, I thought it would be fun to slide across the living room carpet into the kitchen and ripped my knee open on that strip of metal that keeps the carpet down in doorways…

All I’ve ever wanted was friends that could talk to me when they have a problem with me instead of getting angry. And to understand that sometimes I just want to be alone. And that isn’t me not being a friend and it isn’t me being mean. I just know that I have problems that no one wants to hear, and that they are actually problems I need to deal with on my own.

If a friend is important to you, then you make that effort to talk to them about it calmly.

I love my friends. I want them to come to me when there are problems and talk to me. That’s the point of friends.

I hate when I really get into a project and am having a lovely time working on it and learning and then I get stuck. I’m kinda stuck right now. I’m sure I’ll figure it out ( I like to think I’m a bit smart, but sometimes I wonder…). And I really do love the challenge. It’s just frustrating knowing that while battling with these two tiny problems, I’m not able to move on and learn more. I’m very determined that I will figure this out. I think when I do, it’ll be glorious

I really do feel like I’ve learned alot. And while trying to hunt down the answer to my current CSS problems, I’ve actually learned alot about other parts of CSS. So I suppose it works out. Steve has been incredibly helpful, supplying me with the books and web reference pages to help me through it and going over what I do have. Constructive criticism is helpful. It really is.

Other than CSS… I find that I’m constantly worried I’ve made someone sad. Or that they don’t like me. Whether I’ve done something or not. It’s really only the people I’m close to. But I’m just afraid that I’m not good enough. I really want to be. I really do. I want to just push the feeling away… but it just looms in the back of my mind.

Projects and reading keep my mind temporarily away from thinking about it.  I’ve also been getting a bunch of new music. So that’s fun.

This summer I had really hoped to get to do something fun. Like go to Cedar Point or I don’t know, something. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. I even thought about seeing if I could borrow the family home up at Duck Lake. I actually wanted to do that last summer with Steve, but was never really sure if he would want to do something like that. So I never really brought it up. It would be nice to have a small bunch of friends up there though. I haven’t been there since I was a wee bit younger. I always thought it was fun. It’s a sad that Grandpa Frank passed away. I really would have liked to see him again. He was always very sweet to us. And I’ve been afraid that they would try to get rid of the house on the lake before I could make it up there one last time. Maybe someday I’ll get there.

I’m sorry that I am apparently shitty and snotty. I was told by my roommate that I was. So I’m sorry to the few people that read this if I am. I certainly don’t intend to be.

I feel unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I’m not good enough. Not worth it. I’ve felt this way for a long while now. But I don’t expect much anymore. When I do I feel even more disappointed that I’m not included or have been dropped for someone else. But when I am appreciated, or when someone does something that shows that they care, it means the world to me. It really does. But the feeling of not being good enough looms over me, no matter how much I try to push past it. One of the biggest things I feel about the Steve and I thing is that I feel like I just wasn’t good enough. Whether it is true or not. That’s just how have and do felt/feel. That feeling is made up by the fact that Steve and I have been getting along well lately and I’m very very grateful/appreciative for that. But I do feel that way, and that’s why I get sad sometimes. All I can do I can do is concentrate on the good I suppose.

The only thing I can ever do is hope that when I’ve something that upsets someone, that they will tell me. And that I will b given a chance to be better about it or fix it. That is all I can hope for.

There are a couple of things that have been bothering me lately. But that I have recently decided that I just need to deal with by myself and get over. There have been very few times in my life that I have been able to have something of my own that I have done that I can be proud of. I suppose I have clung to my research into the Industrial music world and whatnot, because I always felt special that I had that and that people could come to me and ask me, and I would be there with the knowledge or eager to find out for them. So yes, I’m jealous that someone else is trying to do that. Because that was my one thing. Something I was proud of. I know I’m wrong for feeling jealous over this. Hence the reason I’ve decided to just keep it to myself.

There are other things that I feel the same way about. But I’m tired and upset and don’t think I can do this anymore right now.

All I can say is that I’m sorry.

I feel like I’m actually getting into the CSS I’ve been trying to learn. I was working on something while I was at the radio station earlier and didn’t really get time to get anywhere with it… but I decided to keep working on it at home… and I learned a lot. It’s fun! A bit intimidating when I think of something I want to do with the page that I don’t know yet… but I kind of just try to use all my reference sources and I figure it out.

I’ve been feeling really sad lately, and I’m not really sure why. Sometimes I feel like I have parts of it I’ve figured out, but then it all kind of becomes jumbled together again. I’m constantly worried that I’ve done something wrong (even when I definitely haven’t). Or that I’m not good enough. That I’m just a disappointment to the ones Iove. That I’m useless. I feel anxious a lot of the time.

I don’t understand what I did. Or why it’s eating at me. I think I did something to make Steve upset or tense with me. I never meant to. I really didn’t. I don’t know what I did. And it’s tearing at me. I txted him asked him  and apoligized a couple of times and he never responded. And I im’ed him a bit ago to apoligize and tell him I’ll leave him alone about it, and he still hasn’t responded. I don’t know what I should do. I guess I kinda give up. I don’t know what I did. Whatever I did I never meant harm. I just don’t understand. I hate hurting someone I care about, and it’s hard not understanding how to make it better.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jeni
2. Knife
3. Ginger

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. kousei
2. ambika53
3. djknife

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. eyes
2. sometimes my hair
3. skin

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. weight
2. boobs
3. legs

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Irish
3. maybe a wee bit of German?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being in debt
2. feeling like a failure
3. losing everything that is important to me again

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Water
2. Reading
3. Sleeping?

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. ‘97 French Club shirt
2. fuzzy velour hideous yet fucking cozy green capri pj bottoms
3. nothing

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
At the moment?
1. VNV Nation
2. Imogen Heap
3. The Azoic

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. To be content
2. Openness
3. Trust

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I have been working for more than a third of my life
2. I don’t read much
3. I like cute things

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Lips
3. Hmmm… I don’t know?

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Reading
2. Music
3. Cross Stitching

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Not be in debt?
2. Go to an amusement park or some place fun to relax and have fun with friends with no worries
3. Figure out my work situation

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Social Work
2. Librarian
3. Secretary

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Ireland
2. Nepal or Tibet
3. Hawaii

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Adaine
2. Ella
3. William

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Travel
2. Not be in debt
3. Be at Peace

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I love girly clothing at times.
2. I’m a sucker for flowers
3. I adore anything cute

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I would much prefer hanging out with boys than other girls. Girls are silly
2. I don’t understand why many of my gender do the things they do
3. I prefer comfort over some completely ridiculous fashion styles?

We watched the Phantom of the Opera movie tonight (Em, Matt, and Paul). And it reminded me of one of the best birthday presents I ever got. I got to go see Phantom at the Stranahan Theatre in Toledo with Steve. It was awesome. It was very very easily the best show I have ever seen. I was sooo happy to get to go. Poor Steve was so tired and he still took me.

I told everyone the story about the background of “Oscarbean” (actually Masquerade) the first song of the second act. And everyone thought it cute and funny. Everyone thought it was a good idea to txt Steve when we watched the movie at the point where that song came up. They txted “Oscarbean” I guess. And I txted something else like we’re watching Phantom of the Opera and I bet you can guess where we are (as in the where we are in the movie). And Steve didn’t seem to get it, think it entertaining, or was annoyed or something I don’t know. Or maybe he just doesn’t remember going? I doubt that, but maybe. So I feel bad… I hope he doesn’t think they were making fun of… (cause that’s not it at all) or something. I don’t know

I was a little hurt, because for some reason I think maybe he just doesn’t remember goingor something… it was really special to me and many good memories, but maybe it wasn’t for him? I don’t know… maybe I’m just being silly. I don’t know… sometimes I worry that he will just forget or stop caring about special things that happened while we were together… Again I’m probably just being silly… and I suppose I’m not really supposed to care… but I do. I have a lot of wonderful memories from that period of my life… and even if we are clearly not together and he has clearly moved on and I have to, I still hope that things like that mean something to him, like they do me. I really am being silly I guess, but suppose its part self consciousness or something… I don’t know…

Anyway, I really do love that show. The music is some of my favorite and it was nice to watch it with everyone. It’s amusing, anytime I listen to or watch Phantom I just wish I a better singer. I know the music so well and I just wish I could sing like they do… Silliness really.

I’ve been loving the slightly warmer weather (Of course I’m saying this now, freezing my ass off now… but earlier it was warmer and yesterday was too), but wishing for a seriously long and wonderful thunderstorm… we had thunder and all that good stuff the other day… but it didn’t last nearly as long as I would like

I’ve started rereading The Great Hunt (The second book of the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan). I’m not really sure why I stopped… I really like what I’ve read so far… but either way… I think the series will make good summer reading.

Oh, and I’m also going to be an aunt very very very soon…! It’s exciting, and weird… My little sister is having a baby… I don’t know if its weird because she is my LITTLE SISTER or if its because she’s only 21… or what… but I’m very excited too. Yay Baby